There may be several reasons you and your spouse might be stagnant in the intimacy department. In fact, you may have tried to ignite your (spiritual, emotional and sexual) oneness in the past, but then it quickly cooled off. We call it getting STUCK!
You might be thinking to yourself that a stagnant marriage isn’t so bad. I beg to differ. When I think of stagnant I think of a pond where there is no water going in or out. Slowly it becomes polluted and everything in it eventually dies. A stagnant marriage has an intermittent break in the love flowing between the spouses. At the least, it reveals brokenness that can be resolved and at the worst, it is a dangerous warning sign that should not be ignored.
Reasons Couples Tell Us They’re Stagnant
Over the last 14 years, we’ve heard the 10 reasons your marriage is stagnant below from the couples in our coaching practice. See if you can relate to any of them:
1. My Spouse Doesn’t See The Value of Marriage Intimacy As I Do
People get married for many reasons. You may have thought you’re getting married so you can enjoy the fullness of love through sexual intimacy. Perhaps the main reason your spouse married you was that they wanted companionship, friendship, security, children, or it was an expectation they needed to meet. They could take or leave sex.
Maybe they were taught that sex is bad by their family or the church. Therefore, their brain couldn’t make the switch from it’s bad to sex is a good gift from God. Question is, have you discussed this with your spouse or are you suffering silently hoping it will change?
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2. We Can’t Find the Time; We’re Both To Busy
This is one of the most common confessions we hear from the couples in our practice. Unfortunately, our society moves at the speed of light! Between work and home responsibilities and homeschooling, the kid’s couples are exhausted and falling into bed at night and giving each other the fumes.
However, we as Christian’s are called to live differently than the world. Our prayer needs to be, “How can we live in Your Sabbath rhythm Lord?” You have said your yoke is easy and your burden is light. You have come to give us abundant life. What sacrifices do I personally need to make, and what do we need to change as a couple to ensure we have a marriage that puts our intimacy with You first, and our marital intimacy second.
If that prayer doesn’t yield results perhaps one or both of you are avoiding and withdrawing for one of the deeper reasons, like below. You or
3. One or Both Of Us Gets Disrupted or Triggered by Past Trauma or Pain
Perhaps you or your spouse weren’t aware that the trauma you suffered before marriage would have such a huge impact on your intimacy now. Maybe you’re not aware of any trauma that could’ve caused this avoidance but current behaviors are certainly exposing reactions that “smell” like there was a trauma. In either case, God wants you or your spouse to receive His healing so that you can enjoy the gift of sex He designed you for. You can try our “Divine Desire -Married Edition” online video course first because it addresses trauma.
But if you still can’t move forward after becoming stagnant for 2 weeks then you may need to make an appointment to see us over video or find a trauma counselor who can walk alongside you as you do the Divine Desire at home.
4. Our Disagreements Never Get Resolved, and Resentments Have Created a Wall
Jesus said, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26). It indicates that you are to resolve your differences quickly and with God’s help. When you don’t resolve problems or disagreements and resentment and anger festers the wall actually turns into an enemy stronghold. And now the fight extends to demonic lies and deceptions. It usually involves condemning ourselves or blaming our spouse.
One way to keep this from happening is to forgive. Jesus said to forgive others in the same way He has forgiven you. He did not wait for you to clean up your act but He offered forgiveness while you were messy and broken. This is the first step to resolution and reconnecting with your spouse. Can you imagine what would happen if you took the first step?
5. It’s Way Too Much Work
Intimacy is way too much work. It takes too much time and commitment. If this is the case then it’s time to examine what kind of marriage you have. There are many types of marriages but only one that honors God. Which type of marriage do you have?
- A work-centered marriage
- A child-centered marriage
- A money-centered marriage
- A ministry-centered marriage
- An addiction-centered marriage
- An intimacy-centered marriage
Which one is God-honoring and God-centered? Of course, the intimacy-centered marriage! The question is are you willing to make a commitment to a marriage that honors God, the sacred covenant of marriage, and each other. You can try our “Divine Desire -Married Edition” online video course because it addresses how to have an intimacy centered marriage. “Whatever you do, do all to the glory of God” (1 Cor 10:31).
6. It’s Hard To Risk Because My Spouse is Untrustworthy
It ‘s hard to risk or be vulnerable because my spouse is untrustworthy and self-focused. Intimate relationships need a great deal of trust and commitment to operate well. Simply put, when one spouse has lost the trust of the other, desire for intimacy is diminished. Building trust is not an easy task. To do this let’s go back the very beginning.
Adam and Eve lost God’s trust and to make it worse they didn’t trust God. Instead of acknowledging their transgression, they ran away from God and hid. And you and I have been doing the same thing ever since. We are exposed, we feel fear and shame, and we hide. God is saying to us all, “Where are you?” giving us the opportunity to run towards Him and not away from Him.
Jesus said, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).
7. I’m Feeling Hopeless Things Could Ever Change Between Us
Hopelessness is a devastating emotion and is usually the result of anxiety and depression in marriage. These are not emotions to take lightly. Early on in our ministry, we had to make a decision on who would be the agent of change. How do we change? How are we healed? Who do we focus and depend on?
In our opinion, it comes down to 3 mindsets or ways of thinking that motivates and changes our behaviors. Simply, the 3 mindsets are one, focusing on performance or doing better through striving (self-focus), two, focusing on gaining more insight or knowledge to motivate us (insight focused), and three, focusing on the finished work of Jesus Christ and resting in Him (God-focused).
“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us (Holy Spirit), to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever” (Eph 3:20).
So the question for you is, what is the focus in your marriage? Only one brings the hope you desire.
8. There’s Spiritual Opposition that Looks Like One Roadblock After Another
Guess what you’re not alone! All married couples have to face this disturbing reality. The Bible says that we have an enemy but it’s not flesh and blood. In other words, the good news is that it’s not your spouse. “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in heavenly places (Ephesians 6:12.) But the bad news is that the devil has schemes or strategies to destroy your intimacy and your marriage.
The antidote is an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. He is our life-force, our energy, our strength, and our victory over the enemy. “In Him, we live, and move and exist” (Acts 17:28). In fact, God is the keeper of the marriage covenant. So how do I deal with the enemies attacks on my marriage and spouse? Please see our free article named Intimacy Enemies.
9. We’re Too Tired and Exhausted
Being too tired and exhausted is probably the most common reason marriage intimacy becomes stagnate. But is it a worldwide phenomenon because of not having enough physical energy or could the root lie elsewhere? After 14-years in our counseling practice, we have seen that married couples make choices on where they put their focus or energy. In reality, it becomes a matter of priorities.
This can become a sore spot with many couples. Some spouses believe intimacy is an 8 or 9 on the priority list. Many will say work, kids, friends, family, sports, shopping, cleaning, you name it, comes before intimacy. We believe that God comes first, intimacy in the marriage comes second, and everything else flows from these two commitments. This honors God and is what we call an intimacy-centered marriage.
If this sounds like you or your spouse you might want to consider that one or both of you have a fear of intimacy. Yes, there is such a thing and it’s called Intimacy Anorexia or Intimacy Avoidance. We explore this in my ebook called Spirituality and Sexuality–Re-capturing Wholeness and Purity. If you’re interested or have an addiction that is destroying your marriage please go to our website.
10. I’ll Fail In Meeting My Spouse’s Expectations So Why Try
Expectations are a killer for intimacy in a marriage. The fear and anxiety that comes from having to perform are different for each spouse. In general, the greatest fear for a masculine soul is rejection, I’m not enough. The greatest fear for a feminine soul is am I worthy enough to be pursued and fought for. Isn’t it interesting that every fairy tale is the solution to every woman’s fear? Even a secular world understands.
Being created in God’s Image, in His own likeness (Genisis 1:28), we are meant to know God and be known by Him. This also applies to married couples.
So what happened in your marriage? Well, both you and your spouse have lost your true authentic identities as God’s image bearers. There is no place it is more tested by the enemy than in marriage. How does the enemy torment us? We believe our value and worth come from what we do, how we look, our accomplishments and so on, rather than who God says we are as believers. God is meant to define you not your performance!
Can You Relate?
From our experience, there’s a very high percentage that you can. If that’s true, take us up on our offer to give YOU the same help we give our clients who face these issues with the Divine Desire -Married Edition online video course. Try one week for free below:
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