13 Ways to Keep Romance and Sex Alive

No More Than a Week

1. Don’t go more than a week without making love or being physically intimate

• Even during the crazy, busy stressful times.
• It’ll keep your marriage intimacy-centered, rather than child-centered or work-centered, etc.
• It’s good for your spiritual, emotional and physical health.
• You’ll be less frustrated with your spouse, and you’ll be more present. connected and intentional with your spouse.

Don’t Ignore Sex Problems

2. Don’t ignore Sexual Problems

• When sex is working in a relationship it’s deeply satisfying, but when it’s not working it causes deep pain, and eventually divorce.
• Get help from a Christian Sex Therapist early on. Most couples sex therapist don’t get help soon enough, or they make the mistake of seeing a marriage counselor with no training in sexual issues.
• 57 % of couples have sexual problems but very few get help.
• Remember that a bad sex life harms your Christian witness. Others, (even your children) can tell you’re not happy.

Stay Two Separate People

3. Get Individuated

• The best relationships happen where there is someone to long for and desire.
• It gets easy to get enmeshed with the daily grind of life.
• It puts a lot of pressure on the relationship and ultimately will cause resentment.
• Have your own friends, interests, and identities.
• Also, make and spend time together as well.
• Gives you something to talk about when you come back together.
• You offer a three-dimensional person that can offer more to the relationship.
• Did you grow up in an enmeshed family and you don’t know who you are?
• Find your own interests, take some classes separately, exercise apart, etc.
• Focus on your own needs not always your partner’s.
• Spend time alone (with yourself) and with the Lord. Pray, journal, walk, listen to music, read, etc.

Weekly Gourmet Sex

4. Plan a weekly gourmet sex date together (1 hour of luxuriating)

• Put it on both of your schedules and protect that time at all costs.
• If you don’t plan for sex with the stresses of everyday life and the enemy’s opposition it’ll never happen.
• It’ll give you an opportunity to look forward to lovemaking, and get in the mood.
• Spontaneous sex usually means no sex, and at the very least quickie sex for the husband and the wife loses out.

Men and Housework

5. Men who do housework have more satisfying sex lives.

• Take some of the pressure off her and help her to relax, and calm down and quiet her mind, she’ll be in a much better mood to have sex.

No Soft Addictions

6. Obviously not engaging in hard addictions (like pornography, drugs, alcohol, etc.) will keep a marriage strong but many couples dismiss the negative effects of soft addictions.

• Examples of soft addictions: video games, smartphones, emails, YouTube, surfing the internet, shopping, excessive exercising, oversleeping, watching television). However, they all hinder intimacy.
• Take the television out of the bedroom
• A NATIONAL STUDY ON INTIMACY REVEALED THAT COUPLES WHO SPEND MORE THAN AN HOUR A DAY WITH SOFT ADDICTIONS HAVE LOWER LEVELS OF INTIMACY

Never Fake Orgasm

7. Women – never fake an orgasm (the mercy fake)

• 70% of women have faked it.
• You think it’s not going to happen, so I’ll cut it short and I’ll fake an orgasm.
• Two things happen, you are shortchanged and become resentful and frustrated (especially when he rolls over and is satisfied) and two, when it comes time to communicate what you need, he’s bewildered.

Compromise

8. Compromise:

• Fundamental differences that couples have that are not right or wrong         (Ex. One likes clutter and the other streamlining)
• Allow the man to be a man in the way he wants to be a man. Let him steer the ship of your family.
• Give him opportunities to make decisions because it is who he is, he will get annoyed and snippy when he is not masculine and the wife becomes more attracted to him when he has masculine power.
• Pick your battles – what’s the most important thing for you to discuss
• Don’t forget to help your spouse feel empowered in the process and let them participate in decision making.
• Share the decision making and the power in the relationship.

Intimacy Centered Marriage

9. Make Your Marriage Intimacy the Priority Over Kids, Relatives, Pets, Work, Sports, etc.

• Don’t put anything above before your marriage, romance and sexuality.
• Your sex life suffers
• The best gift you can give your kids and relatives is a model of what a loving relationship looks like and believe it or not pets get stressed when your marriage is not going well
• Of course, never put the safety and well being of your kids over your time together, but give up the activities that put the kids before your sex life.
• An intimacy centered marriage honors God.

Acknowledge Desire Differences

10. Libido Differences

• Sex is more of a stress reliever for men (fight or flight comes into play), but not for a woman, unless a man is worried about financial or job-related stress.
• Women are affected by stress more than men, which affects their libido and goes into the “tend or befriend” response and so she wants to snuggle but takes away her testosterone which is the desire hormone.
• There are lots of other things that affect libido: health issues, pain, menopause, over the counter or prescription drugs, hormonal contraceptives, relationship conflicts, your own emotional crisis.

Go To Bed Together

11. Go to bed at the same time

• When one is a night owl, and the other is an early bird it hinders intimacy.
• Then be sure to take the TV out of the bedroom.
• At the very least, make sure you cuddle, kiss passionately and pray together in bed. Then the night owl can get up and do something afterward, while the early bird can go back to bed when the night owl gets up.

Love Before Winning

12. Fight to Love not to Win

• Are you an avoider or a confronter? What is your spouse?
• A healthy relationship is one that argues and has conflict.
• You need to be able to argue and not hit below the belt.
• “When you do, I feel, I would like (give specifics)”
• Timing – it’s hard to not sin against one another if you are distraught. Agree to separate, pray, work thru the feelings journal and come back together and talk and pray about it together (within 24 hours).
• Make it as positive, “I love it when you do, I feel this way when you do this . . .” Important not to make your husband feel that you are not happy and he can never please you.
• Bring up your needs at a peaceful time.
• Be specific about what you need. I need you to listen to me right now, I need you to hear me, I need to get this off my chest.”
• Talk about you – use “I” statements and your feelings.
• Use positive reinforcement often when they are doing something right.
• Summarize what the other is saying before you react.
• Physiologically soothe yourself.
• Inject some humor and touch into your argument. Showing

Flirt

13. Flirt

• Catch their eyes and smile
• Look at them and think living thoughts and try to convey that with your eyes
• Give them a hug or kiss when you’re passing
• Email or call with a love message
• Make an effort with doing something as a surprise for one another.
• Remember why you fell in love with each other in the first place!

Give Your Spouse the Gift of Romance for a Lifetime