Some say the Song of Solomon is an allegory between Christ and His love for the church, and others read it literally as a love story between a man and woman. We see it as both, and for our purposes, we will focus on a couple who falls in love and gets married. We are privy to what happens on their wedding night. It’s pretty amazing that’s in the Bible; God must see sex as important in a marriage as we do.
A Wise or Foolish Man
King Solomon was considered the wisest man of his time and God gave him this wisdom. However, he was also the most foolish man of his time because he turned away from God later in his life; most likely due to hedonism (having the right to his own pleasure apart from God), which led to his downfall. It is said that he accumulated 700 wives and 300 concubines. Because of a political alliance with Pharaoh, he married his daughter, which then tempted him to leave the one true God of his father David and worship false gods. Obviously one of those gods was lust.
The Song of Solomon, which is an erotic poem in the Bible was written by Solomon when he was young and worshipping the true God. We believe the Shulamite was probably his first love, mainly because of the sexual innocence exhibited in the first part of the Song, in which he writes about their new passion, as well as her shyness and insecurities. She is unsure of her beauty and said to him do not look at me because I’ve been out in the sun and I’m dark. She worried that she may not have a beauty to entice him to come near.
Pursuing an Alluring Woman
However, she was more alluring then she thought because he pursues her, courts her, and a wedding day ensues. In Chapter 4 we see them running to the bedroom to consummate their love and their wedding vows. Before she pronounced “I do” she said do not awaken love until its ready, now she is saying to him the time is right for love so come and take me. Heat rises as we read about their steamy exchanges and sweet talking love.
We love this chapter because it really signifies the importance of a wedding night and the unveiling of the virgin. This is the night of all nights for most married couples mainly because it is the first event to start out their married life, and it also sets the tone sexually for their entire marriage. In fact, we always ask every couple who comes to see us how their wedding night went.
A Bad Wedding Night Can Haunt You for a Lifetime
We have heard heart-breaking stories over the years but none sadder than a woman who had been married for 49 years! She remembered that night in detail, but in his eyes it was great. She was a young 18-year-old and prepared a wedding day with the utmost care, but no one taught her about sex or prepared her. On the eve of her wedding night, her mother came to her and gave her some white hand towels that had been painstakingly embellished with lace by her mom. She told her that she would need these on her wedding night. And that was it!!
She came out of the bathroom all dressed in her white negligee. She earned the right to wear white because she was very much a young and naïve virgin, and totally unprepared for sex. Unfortunately, he raped her by ripping off her gown and forcing his way in, which caused some scar tissue that she still bore at 66 years old. He told us that he too was never mentored about sex and he got his information from pornography so he thought the best thing for her was to do was to get it over with as quickly as possible. Boy was he wrong! That sexual assault affected their entire marriage. She had a phobia of sex so they hadn’t had sex in 20 years. She had severe pain with intercourse, and no gynecologist ever attempted to try to repair the damage, let alone talk to her about it. That rejection played a role in him becoming a sex addict and he began having problems with his erection only 5 years into their marriage.
Many Intimacy Problems Are Exposed on the Wedding Night
As with this couple, we find out that many of their intimacy problems began on their wedding night. What happens that night will stay with them for the rest of their marriage and whether or not it was traumatic, or whether it was romantic and beautiful it will be remembered forever. We believe every couple wants their wedding night to be passionate and tender. This chapter tells us about the importance of the wedding night and unveiling the virgin in a sanctified and adoring manner so that the marriage has a good chance of having an optimistic sexual life. Our client from the story above held resentment and bitterness toward her husband for 49 years, and he was clueless as to why.
She is the Main Event
The virgin is the main event not only in the wedding ceremony but also on the wedding night. She needs to be celebrated, loved and cherished. Her heart matters because if pain is present she will not be able to trust or open herself up to him in the future without an act of God healing and redeeming the wedding night. The Lord did this for the couple above. After lots of pain and anger was purged from her heart, and after his repentance, she came to a place of forgiveness and things began to heal for both of them.
We want you to learn from Solomon about how to make love to your wife. Because, frankly she will always be the main event and her heart will always be involved in lovemaking unless hurt of being unloved and unpursued, and unknown takes its toll and bitterness sets in. Solomon does an excellent job at loving his wife well and taking care of her heart and her insecurities and helping her to relax and enjoy lovemaking as she was designed to.
Relaxation and Passionate Lovemaking
We’re even privileged to know all about their future love life in their marriage in this poem. Later the Shulamite is upset about a reoccurring problem in their sexual relationship. Solomon comes to her demanding sex and she refuses him saying she wants to sleep. Sound familiar? You’re not unlike most couples who give each other the fumes after long, hard, busy days. Later she regrets her refusal and searches for him getting beaten by the night watchman, which may possibly be a reference to the enemies attack over marital sexual love especially when denied (1 Corinthians 7:5).
They end up working through their problems and become servant lovers to one another. She invites him to the country for a getaway and promises she will give him old and new delights (Song of Solomon 7: 9-12)… She dances for him (Song of Solomon 6:13), and he enjoys her alluring power. Their lovemaking deepens and becomes even more glorious over the years. She speaks of their love as white hot and burning with passion (Song of Solomon 8:6). It is unable to be extinguished because their love comes from God.
It is said that sex is 80% in the brain and 20% in the genitals. Solomon seems to know that because he begins with her most important sex organ her mind! He knows that when she feels good about herself and when she’s delighted in and feels sexy and beautiful that she can relax. Relaxation prepares her for passionate lovemaking. This is slow romantic love play that we get to take part in.
Atmosphere and the 5 Senses
Atmosphere is important in lovemaking because we use all five of our senses when we come together; her more so than him. It’s essential to have the right lighting, stimulating and erotic music, and something to taste (whether it be a drink, or chocolate syrup dribbled all over each other’s bodies. Your touch sense will be met by caressing each other’s bodies, but it doesn’t hurt to have sensual fabrics in your sanctuary. All of the senses are important to good lovemaking, but unfortunately, many couples tend to get lazy about providing romance for their 5 senses. And unfortunately, since they are exhausted they don’t luxuriate during foreplay or enjoying gourmet sex.
Women have higher expectations for lovemaking and intimacy. If those romantic intimate connections aren’t made inside and outside of the bedroom she won’t want to have sex, her heart will close up, and she will provide duty sex only for her husband. It’s ironic that this is not what either of them really wants, but lovemaking gets reduced to this in most marriages. Then she counts out the next 3 days as the safe zone from being required to perform duty sex. The lack of romance is the biggest disappointment in marriage for both secular and Christian women.
Eroticism is Good and Holy?
Back to Solomon and his new bride. We are let in on and get to partake of the beauty and holiness of this married couples new sexual union. I know you might feel like a voyeur, but in this case, you need to take it all in because it is the key to great lovemaking. More people should go to the Bible to learn how to make love then pornography. Here we see that eroticism is good and holy. It celebrates God, marriage, and the husband and wife.
Husbands sometimes lovemaking should start with you undressing your wife outside the bed. Unfortunately, that’s another habit married couples get in, they only start lovemaking when they’re both nude and already in bed. Women love to be enjoyed if they’re not enjoyed then their confidence tanks and they begin to believe they have no power to entice or invite their husband’s to come near. They start hiding, and you don’t get to indulge your visual pleasures.
A woman will always blame herself for everything that has gone wrong by accusing themselves of not being beautiful enough to keep him or make him pursue her. It sounds like it’s her words and thoughts, but it’s actually the enemies. He hates beauty, and h hates your wife. A husband is wise who remembers to bless his wife’s beauty and alluring power. Enjoy her by speaking a language of love to her that causes her heart to leap. She will be so in love with you! You wonder how, well, let’s take a look at how Solomon makes love to his bride.
Is My Beauty Enough to Capture His Heart?
They are alone together. She knows what’s coming next, and like every virgin bride, she wonders if her beauty is enough to capture his heart so that his eyes and heart will be completely hers. There’s a lot at stake here. He begins his love talk by saying, “How beautiful you are my darling, how beautiful you are!” Repetition matters here guys! He begins with her facial features and moves down her body as he caresses each part of her form.
He continues, “Your eyes are like doves behind your veil.” Did you catch that? She’s still wearing her veil. Above I talked about the veil being sacred, and holy, and now it’s become a seductive, sensuous and feminine bridal piece that he’s removing before they consummate their marriage. You’ll see from the scene that men are visual creatures. When a woman dresses erotic and sexy to entice her man he cannot resist this beauty that is offered. He longs for it. While the Shulamite is shy, innocent and nervous, she is also soft, open, receiving and trusting. This kind of dignity can only come from the Lord.
It’s been said that the eyes are the windows to the soul. When you initiate lovemaking what are your bride’s eyes revealing: is she worried, tired, shy, distant, or unsure? If so, take this moment to dive deeper into her soul, “Your eyes, my love, are telling me that you’re tired, what do you need from me to be revitalized; may I suggest a relaxing back massage?” He continues with her hair; most likely stroking it as he speaks, “Your hair is like a flock of goats that have descended from Mount Gilead.” Her crowning glory must never be ignored. It’s a type of veil that speaks of her femininity. Solomon is making certain she knows that he’s pleased with her. He does this with confidence and makes an impact on her heart. He’s not a needy guy, and he’s sincere and poetic in his compliments. He’s a king. And so are you. Your wife is your queen.
Trust and Vulnerability
A bride’s joy splashes all over when her husband tells her that his dreams have come true in her. A husband can never go wrong when his wife feels good about herself and believes that she’s stunning in her husband’s eyes. The Shulamite has no idea how lovemaking will go, but she trusts her husband to lead her there. It takes a lot of trust and openness and vulnerability for your wife to open her soul, spirit, and body so you are invited to come into her.
A wise husband will know this and will gently caress his wife so that her petals unfold as the beautiful flower she was created to be. A husband who blesses, appreciates, nourishes, and cherishes his wife as he gives himself up for her will never get duty sex from his wife. Duty sex is an obligation one spouse performs for the other to only take care of the other’s needs, but there is no presence, luxuriating or passion. Nothing is arising naturally from either of them. The husband turns into a demanding, deprived male, and she becomes the obedient woman who checks off the box and moves onto the next thing on her To Do list.
He is to remember what she needs and what she needs is her beauty to be blessed. Now he can move into her chaos and Mistry even when he feels incompetent. When he faces up to his inadequacy he will run to the Lord and even when he doesn’t know what to do not neediness but wanting to wash her with the water of the word. A desire for her to shine and blossom like the flower that is blooming before you. Women need uninterrupted time in which they can relax and enjoy lovemaking without children and responsibilities and duties. So if the husband helps to put the children to bed and does the laundry and the dishes he will open up his wife to have more time and she will be able to relax in his lap. Since women are verbal creatures they enjoy talk tender talk during lovemaking.
Hey, the first-time bride or Virgin will not know what to expect and so it is most important that her husband speak tenderly to her and prepare her moment by moment for what is to come. Women are moved by what they hear and experience in their five senses with their husbands. Many women will say that a particular song comes on and they are aroused because of it and they respond to their husbands more easily and readily Women love creativity and they are more easily turned off than men their sexuality is more creative and holistic nature while a man is more genital focused.
This perhaps has something to do with a man getting aroused outwardly in which he depends on his penis to tell him what he’s feeling and when he’s aroused. But a woman has to be more aware of her heart and what she is experiencing her five senses to be able to tell that she is getting turned on or aroused.
You Are Altogether Beautiful
Your lips are like a scarlet thread, and your mouth is lovely your temples are like a slice of a pomegranate behind your veil there it is again the veil so he has not unveiled her yet. Solomon is in no rush he knows that a woman needs time. As Solomon begins to undress his wife he praises her beauty as he mentions each part of her body he most likely is kissing and caressing it. This is a beautiful act of foreplay that is much needed for a woman to relax into an orgasm.
Solomon starts with her overall beauty, then has moved from her hair, to her eyes her smile her lips her cheeks and now he praises and caresses and kisses her neck. A man if he takes time to relish and enjoy his wife’s whole body, especially taking notice of the areas of her body that she’s most negative about she will be blessed. Unfortunately, women are so perceptive that they know what their husbands avoid and where they linger in this tells them what parts of their body their husbands enjoy the most. While this is not terrible in any way shape or form if you continue to ignore the other parts of her body especially the parts that she deems as unattractive then you will only Increase her feelings of unattractive mess.
Lovemaking is Erotic
Once I was counseling a couple in which she told me that she never removed her bra during lovemaking and neither did her husband. She kept it on all the way through intercourse and during the afterglow. She figured that since her husband never removed her bra that he didn’t like her breasts. So she didn’t remove it either. I challenged her one session to ask him to remove her bra or be very direct with him and ask him if he thinks her breasts are unlikely. It’s pretty risky for her to do this, but it is essential for the freedom they were both desiring. She came back the next week and told me that she boldly removed her bra and her husband was quite pleased and overjoyed. In the end, he said to her that he never removed her bra because he felt that she was feeling inadequate and he didn’t want to hurt her feelings or make her feel uncomfortable. But he actually loved her breasts and they turned him on.
Your neck is like the Tower of David, built with Rose of stones on which are hung 1000 shields, all the round shields of the mighty men. Solomon is praising her dignity as well as her beauty she is a pearl of great price to him. Your two breasts are like two fines, twins of a gazelle which feed among the lilies. Solomon is not manhandling her breasts he is gentle and tender caressing them. Even as a sex therapist I always take a second to let the sink in. I can’t believe this is in the Bible. In Proverbs, it says to let your wife’s breast satisfy you at all times. This is the difference between erotic reading and pornographic reading, it’s like a fine painting of a nude woman and a pornographic image. We need more erotic reading in the church and less porn.
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