Have Sex Like a Virgin: A Tale of Two Wedding Nights (Part 3)

Here’s our tale of two different wedding nights. Not surprisingly, each of us had different perspectives.

Janean remembers…

What I remember on my wedding night. There I was on our wedding night, my fig leaf aside, and naked as a jaybird in front of my new husband Bill. There was a glaring problem, though. My new husband was not showing any physiological signs of being aroused by me. Looking at Bill, I was overwhelmed by embarrassment at how confident and vulnerable I’d been just a few moments earlier. Then self-hatred entered the room, whispering familiar accusations. Of course, you don’t do anything for him. You’re too ugly and fat! Harsh words, but they felt so very true. Wanting desperately to run away and hide, I vowed I would never be that boldly naked in front of my husband ever again.

Bill remembers…

How I remember my wedding night. Our wedding was beautiful, but it felt like the longest ceremony in the history of the world! Watching the clock, I could barely wait until it was over and I could be alone with Janean and make love to her!

In the back of my mind, however, were a few nagging concerns. It had been a very long time since I’d been intimate with anyone, and things didn’t seem to be working the same way they had when I was 20 years younger. No stranger to performance anxiety, I was starting to feel pretty nervous.

I knew full well how meaningful and important this night would be for Janean and for me, too. And it wasn’t just about the physiological. Janean’s desire for intimacy in every area—sexual, emotional and even spiritual— is what makes her so amazing. And that was also intimating. I knew she longed for spiritual oneness and emotion connection, with sex too. The kind of deeply intimate experience which, basically, I’d spend my life running from.

Sure enough, my suspicions turned into reality. The look on her face was more than disappointment—I could see in her eyes that she was blaming herself for my inability to get an erection. It was devastating to me. It also reinforced my fear that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t enough to please such a beautiful vibrant woman. I’ve always felt shame around my sexuality, and now that shame was visually apparent and operating in full force.

Celebrating Our Sexuality Wasn’t Going to be Easy

We realized that, as two broken, fallen people living in a broken, fallen world, celebrating our shut-down, wounded sexuality wasn’t going to be as easy as we thought!  Longing for unhindered sexual and emotional intimacy, what we got instead was a night marred by emotional baggage, past hurts, fears, and insecurities. 

In contrast, Adam and Eve’s exploration and celebration of married love had a very different start. The Bible tells us that Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed. The very first virgins, they embarked on their journey of sexual discovery and intimacy completely free from any baggage. There were no comparisons to former lovers, no feelings of insecurity, and no memories of rejection. It was glorious!

Unfortunately, for these first virgins, the season of unencumbered intimacy was short lived. After making tragic choices, the lovers felt shame for the very first time. Responding to that shame, they hid their nakedness behind fig leaves, and innocence was redefined for humankind from that day forward.

Naked and Ashamed

Today, every child is born in a “fig leaf state,” prewired to fear their shame being exposed, and that’s in need of redemption. Unless we find that redemption, we grow into adulthood and embark on our own journeys of sexual discovery in that damaging state of shame.

However you might define your sexuality—whether we’re actual virgins; “technical” virgins; born-again virgins; sexually active outside of marriage; married and celibate, or married and sexually active—we’re relating to the other behind our figurative fig leaves. We’re hiding and ashamed. Whether or not we even realize it, we long to recapture what being “naked and unashamed” is really all about. We can help you experience healing and redemption with our online video courses; the “Divine Desire-Married or Engaged Edition” here.

You can read more about the following topics on our ongoing blogs:

• The Very First Virgins
• The journey back to Eden
• Why’d the Trinity Create sex in the First Place
• The redemptive power of the Shekinah Glory
• Have Sex Like a Vigin-Defining “virgin sex”: true intimacy that reclaims the purity Adam and Eve experienced through Christ’s finished work on the cross