Q: My husband loves to French kiss, but french kissing turns me off! He takes good care of his breath and teeth, and I’m not worried about germs. I just think it’s gross having someone else’s tongue and saliva in my mouth. Since it’s important to him, how can we make it more enjoyable for both of us?
Our Answer: French Kissing Turns Me Off
A: Yep, all lovemaking is messy! There are tongues, saliva, semen, sweat, vaginal secretions, not to mention unappealing noises and body contortions. LOL! It does take a sense of humor to engage in the messiness and then associate them with passionate, pleasureful lovemaking. Men can do this much easier than women. How do you currently manage the messiness of sex with your husband? Could you apply some of the things you’ve learned about sex to passionate kissing?
Curious About How Sex is Going in General
I do wonder how lovemaking is going for you and your spouse. We’ve found that when a couple’s passionate kissing is not going well, neither is the sex. If you find that many aspects of sex are gross; that’s more prohibitive than how you feel about French kissing. We’re guessing you could benefit from our “Divine Desire-Married Edition” online video course to help you become less rigid or triggered. It does have some spiritual and emotional help in dealing with those triggers. If you find that you’re still not able to move forward then perhaps seeing us over video for a ministry session/intensive or seeing a Christian counselor who deals with sexual trauma may be in order.
Is Your Husband Too Aggressive?
Having said that, it’s also possible that your husband is being too aggressive with his tongue. And it’s also possible that he may need to control his saliva? He may be pushing too much saliva in your mouth by kissing deeply for too long and not coming up for air. That’s definitely not a turn-on!
Try This “Kissing” Intimacy Experience!
Our clients and the “Divine Desire” married and engaged editions online video courses actually practice intimacy skills at home. We call them “Intimacy Experiences!”
One way to do this is to experiment together, practicing the kind of kissing that is pleasurable to you both. You can initiate the following exercise, and show your husband you care about your intimacy:
- It’s important to start this “Intimacy Experience” by both of you thoroughly brushing your teeth and using mouthwash ahead of time. He may also need to remove any abrasive stubble from his beard.
- Use your lips to experiment with kissing your husband’s lips. Pucker your lips and gently peck across his lips and cheeks from one side to the other, from the top to the bottom lip, etc. Take time to nibble on his lips, taking the upper or lower lip between your lips. Allow your husband to follow your lead and be responsive. Then reverse roles.
- Now take turns leading and experimenting with the use of your lips and tongue to find ways that you both can enjoy kissing: pecking, nibbling, licking, and sucking while interacting with each other’s lips or tongues. Keep it slow, soft and experimental. Close your mouths at the same time to monitor the saliva exchange of saliva. Allow the involvement with each other’s mouths to become a mutual, simultaneous enjoyment.
- If it’s comfortable for both of you, take turns inserting your tongues in and out of each other’s mouths. If one of you becomes too intense, it gets too wet or it feels forceful to the other, gently remind your spouse that you’d like to keep it soft, safe, and experimental.
Puckering-Up Practice Makes Perfect
Do this “Intimacy Experience” often until you and your husband come up with your own intimate kissing style. You may also need to break down the above steps into several sessions, as a way of desensitizing yourself from the grossness factor. You may even need to start out with kisses on the cheek, then closed-mouth kissing, and when you’re comfortable with that begin experimenting with French kissing.
Song of Solomon Blessing
The most encouraging statement you wrote was that you wanted to find ways to make French kissing more enjoyable because it’s important to your husband. That’s wonderful, and it’s biblical to want to serve your spouse in that way. However, don’t minimize the fact that the Lord thinks it’s important that you enjoy yourself too! And let’s not forget that the book Song of Solomon opens with her exclaiming: “May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!”
Your statement “It’s still pretty alarming to me,” kinda has a hint of some kind of trauma attached to passionate kissing for you. The Lord wants you to have freedom and the abundant life He designed for you. Pray about that, and see if He has some healing for you
I enjoy sex with my husband, but am equally turned off by French kissing. We’ve tried experimental kissing over the course of our marriage and it still pretty alarming to me.
I guess my point is, French kissing might not be for everyone.
As mentioned in a different, similar blog article, I think this is a good reason why a seriously dating couple, that is, a couple seriously considering marriage, should consider passionate, even erotic, kissing. Differences in what they enjoy and do not enjoy as intimate experiences can be discovered and worked through. They can try alternatives, or identify issues that he or her or both have in setting the mood and causing arousal. And perhaps, as is often the case, the one partner needs to learn to respect the other’s preferences. It could even mean reexamining whether or not they should continue their relationship.