Question: My husband is really kinky and into playing with toys and watching me masturbate. I kinda don’t like to do that because it makes me feel uncomfortable. But I do it just to please him. Is it wrong to do such things or am I overreacting?
Our Answer to Kinky
Answer: Does it bring dignity to you, your spouse and honor God? Every sexual behavior needs to be filtered through these three lenses. It seems neither you nor your husband has a biblical sexual theology for your lovemaking, nor does it seem either of you has communicated at a deep level about how you feel about different sexual behaviors or your husband would know how uncomfortable you feel.
And our hearts (my husband Bill who practices with me also helps write these responses) and the Lord would be very grieved and saddened if you have communicated your uncomfortableness and your husband is still insisting you engage in this practice. You should never force yourself to do anything that makes you feel shameful sexually just to please your husband – it’s not honoring to your heart, and it’s not good for your husband’s heart.
Always Agree On Sexual Behaviors
First, you need to explore with the Lord why it makes you uncomfortable and then communicate that to your husband. If your husband is a Christian than he needs to be called by you, his wife, to love you as Christ loves the church; giving himself up for you (Ephesians 5:25 & 28-30).
Scripture also tells us that the marriage bed is a place of mutuality: “The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights. Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.” (1 Corinthians 7:3-4 The Message), so every sexual activity needs to be agreed upon, and both spouses need to be comfortable with the behavior.
Your Sexual Theology
Each Christian couple’s sexual theology will look different than another Christian couple’s theology based on how they were brought up, their past trauma and previous experiences, but it will always include God’s Word and His thoughts. For example, we know sex outside of marriage is always wrong based on Scripture. But Scripture doesn’t talk about toys and masturbation.
For some couples, a vibrator is a way to bring the wife to orgasm easily, but they frown upon dildos because it replaces the husband and may make him feel inadequate. For another couple, the wife may not need a vibrator, but she may need 15 minutes of deep thrusting to have an orgasm, which her husband cannot physiologically or realistically provide and so a dildo is acceptable in their marriage bed.
For one couple masturbation is always looked upon negatively while another couple agrees that it’s acceptable to engage in self-pleasuring; especially when their spouse is not capable (depression, or a medical issue) or around (like on an extended business trip, or military duty) and cannot provide a release for their spouse.
Filter Through Scripture, Dignity and Honor
So that brings me back to the original point of my response: filtering everything through Scripture and the lens of dignity and honor. The Lord does talk about the attitudes of the heart in Scripture and what our motivation is that underlies our behaviors or actions: “But our adequacy is from God, who also made us adequate as servants of a new covenant, not of the letter (law), but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life” (2 Cor. 3:6).
It’s less about the letter of the law but the Spirit of the act. If our only question is what is wrong or right and we don’t look at the heart behind them and filter it through the lens of whether or not it is dignifying to us and our spouse and is honoring to the Lord, then we will fall into sinning against the Lord and our spouse by walking in the letter of the law instead of walking in the Spirit.
Anything that is not honoring to either spouse or the Lord should never be condoned or practiced by a Christian couple.
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