Q: What do i do when my husband doesn’t reciprocate oral sex?
Question: I give my husband oral sex and he enjoys it, but he won’t reciprocate oral sex for me. He gets defensive whenever I try to talk to him about it. How can I deal with my unfulfilled desire of receiving oral sex? Also, I find it difficult to orgasm without fantasizing about scenarios where my husband is being aggressive with me. Any suggestions?
A: dealing with your husband’s defensiveness about oral sex
It’s difficult to determine what you mean by your husband getting defensive whenever you try to talk about it. For sure, open communication needs to happen around this at some point. In the past, you may have used an accusatory tone or words yourself thereby causing him to be defensive. Perhaps you could change that and open up a dialogue by talking about how you feel. “Honey, I enjoy giving you oral sex but I’m really struggling with worrying if I’m unattractive to you because you don’t give me oral sex. Please help me with this.” Ask him what he likes about oral sex when you do it for him, and how he would feel if he could never have oral sex again?
Porn Portrays That it’s the Woman’s Duty to Pleasure Him with Oral Sex
If he still won’t talk about it you may need to think about any porn usage he may have participated in currently or in the past. Unfortunately, the pornographic view of sex where a woman is supposed to please the man but vice-a-versa is not the norm.
Is there Aversion, Trauma or Shame Around Oral Sex?
He may have an aversion to the smell or taste, or he may have experienced past trauma or shame around oral sex. Most likely, he can’t resist when you do it for him but when he thinks about giving you oral sex the feelings of shame are readily available.
Perhaps He’s Experiencing Performance Anxiety Around Oral Sex
He could get defensive because he feels inadequate, and it’s simply a performance issue or his lack of knowledge about how to do it for you. If that’s the problem then you could purchase the book called “She Comes First” (non-Christian) which gives detailed instructions on how he could please you with oral sex.
Reasons to Pursue Healing
If it’s the former reasons, then you may need help with how past or current porn usage has affected his sexuality and see a counselor who specializes in sex addiction. If it’s because of trauma or shame then you may need to start praying for your husband to want to heal and ask the Lord to help you accept that some sexual behaviors may never be a part of your lovemaking repertoire, especially if the door is closed to any more dialogue about it.
Every Couple Needs to Develop a Sexual Theology About Oral Sex
We believe every couple needs to develop a sexual theology about every sexual behavior. For example, just because the Bible doesn’t expressly forbid oral sex and the Song of Solomon actually seems to encourage it with passages about tasting choice fruits etc. it doesn’t mean it’ll be okay for every Christian couple to participate in. When there has been sexual trauma around a specific sexual behavior causing a sort of PTSD trigger than oral sex will be off the table permanently or until some healing can happen. (Check out our sexual theology on oral and anal sex here).
Important Questions to Ask Yourselves About Oral Sex
The important questions to ask about oral sex or any other sexual behavior are, “Does this sexual behavior . . .”
1. Glorify God and His word,
2. Glorify marriage and
3. Glorify each spouse.
If his issue is because of sexual trauma then question #3 would not be an affirmative answer because it causes the spouse who has been traumatized stress.
Scripture Tells Us the Marriage Bed is Mutual!
Scripture is quite clear that your body belongs to him and his body belongs to you. Also, there should be mutuality in the marital sexual relationship and desires (1 Corinthians 7:2-5). Both of you needs to mutually agree that oral sex will be off the table permanently or both mutually agree that he face the trauma and receive healing.
Don’t Silence Yourself because Your Husband Gets Disrupted
You are loving your husband well by bringing this up with him even if it causes disruption. He needs to bring this to the Lord and ask for His understanding and healing around oral sex.
What About Aggressive Fantasies?
Now, for the second part of your question about the aggressive fantasies. There is a whole continuum about where your fantasy could fall based upon your answer. Again, if either of you has participated in pornography it can damage your sexuality because it’s often violent and at the very least objectifying.
A Very Feminine Sexual Fantasy
If you are simply longing for your husband to be the initiator and show you that he is sexually passionate for you by “taking you” than that’s a pretty normal fantasy. Women love to be pursued and often have the fantasy that their husband just can’t resist them. We all want to believe that we are so alluring or desirable that our husband’s only have eyes for us.
Violent Fantasies are Another Thing
But if you’re talking about him objectifying you (using you for his own pleasure) or being physically violent towards you then I would suggest seeing a Christian sex therapist and get to the bottom of what the aggression is about. Have you been sexually traumatized? Because sexual trauma warps a person’s arousal and pleasure.
The Marriage Bed is Undefiled
The Lord wants the marriage bed to be undefiled, which means that it needs to be treated as a holy and sacred place where spiritual “oneness” and servanthood is the main event, although pleasure and the life-giving aspects of making love are pretty amazing too! Check out our article called Shekinah Glory Intimacy on this website.
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