Sex Everyday???

 

Q: My husband and I sometimes hit dry spots in our sex lives. We have five kids so it can be a challenge! Also, although I’m in my 30’s, there are times when I get very dry.  Because of the kids and my “To Do” list that’s a mile long I don’t have time for the foreplay that I need. Sometimes I just need to get right down to business. I am ecstatic that I found your site and I also found some fun sex toys and things seem to be going in the right direction.

 

Getting to the point, I have been reading about couples who commit to one another to have sex for various lengths of time (30 -60 days) of sex every day. I would like to start with having sex a week straight with my husband and see how that goes. I’ve been lacking in the sex department, and I really want to go back the way we used to be, pre-kids…I want to make time for us, and I have read that for some couples having sex every day brought them closer together intimately. First of all, do you think we should try having sex every day? How long of a time period should we try it? What can I do to prepare myself mentally, emotionally and physically? Maybe I’m just overthinking this and trying way too hard?

 

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Our Answer to Sex Every Day:

A: First let us say what a blessing you are to your husband! You not only have five kids but you’re putting a priority on your marital intimacy first. Too often, couples with children make their marriage child-centered rather than intimacy-centered. You are doing your children, family, the church and your community a favor by putting your intimacy (spiritually, emotionally, and sexually) as the highest priority. In other words, marital intimacy and “oneness” is the glue that sticks a couple together and helps them weather the messy times of life. And it’s the only time you and your husband are “one” emotionally, physically and spiritually. Spouses who put their marriage intimacy first behind their individual intimacy with God have the strongest marriages. A three-stranded cord (God, you, and your spouse) is not easily broken. Right?

Getting Identity or Worth from Your Spouse or Sex Rather Than God Can be a Problem

With that said, let’s look at the attitude of your heart. If you want to “have sex” everyday because you’re trying to perform (an attempt to get your identity from your husband – which comes from your depravity (we all have that side), which, by the way was one of the curses on Eve from the Fall), or maybe you want to enhance your “oneness” as a husband and wife (coming from your dignity – which looks like you walking in the glory of the Spirit already living in you). A clue of what is going on in your heart is your last statement “Maybe I’m just overthinking this and I’m trying to hard.” That tells me you might be in the first category and yes you ARE trying too hard!!

What matters? Quantity or Quality?

Too often my husband and I find couples trying to fill voids in their intimacy with “having sex” too much rather than focusing on daily intimacy (spiritually and emotionally) rather than the act of intercourse, which then frees them up to focus on putting their energy into gourmet lovemaking (connecting, passionate, luxuriating) that last longer than 30 minutes, or deli sex (playful, erotic sex) that they can realistically engage in fewer times a week. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with fast food sex (especially when you have five kids- and vibrators are great for erotic sex when you have a minimal amount of time), but marital intimacy cannot survive on fast food sex. So you might be causing more harm than good for both your hearts over the long term. The descriptions of gourmet, deli and fast food sex come from a book called “Two Become One” by Christopher and Rachel McCluskey. We highly recommend it!

Is Quickie or Fast Food Sex the Answer?

Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with fast food sex (especially when you have five kids- and vibrators are great for erotic sex when you have a minimal amount of time), but marital intimacy can’t survive on quickies. So you might be causing more harm than good for both your hearts over the long term. The descriptions of gourmet, deli and fast food sex come from a book called “Two Become One” by Christopher and Rachel McCluskey. We highly recommend it!

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Christian Lovemaking Reflects Christ and the Church

A Christian husband is called to nourish and cherish his wife, giving himself up for her (Ephesians 5). Will your husband have the opportunity to serve you, delight in you and uncover the mysteries of your feminine heart with fast-food sex every day? After all, you’re created to be the delicious gourmet dessert Crème Brule, not boring Jello!!

Our Society Glorifies Quickie Sex

Our society and the media (television, movies, magazines, romance novels, and porn) tells women they should be like men and become aroused instantly. They should orgasm without any foreplay and definitely within 4 minutes! However, the Lord didn’t create your body to respond that way. Women need the emotional, relating kind of intimacy to be able to open up and receive her husband sexually. Are you allowing your husband to provide for your feminine heart so you can flourish in all that God created you to be spiritually, emotionally and physically? These are just some of the spiritual and relational truths to think about in your marital intimacy.

Practical Help for Dryness

You also talk about dryness in your intimacy and in your ability to lubricate. Again, God created women to need time to fully lubricate and become ready to receive her husband through foreplay. It’s wonderful that in our day and age we have artificial lubricants, but consistently going against God’s design for the wife who needs foreplay does not only create vaginal dryness (other than a physiological change in her hormones), but it gives her body time to elongate her vagina and move the cervix up so she doesn’t have painful sex too!!

Some Ideas to Increase Intimacy and Oneness

You might start with reading together our free eBook “Sexual Intimacy: Why it’s Essential for your Marriage” or some of our other blogs. Perhaps you’d like to watch our YouTube channel “Fig Leaves Off” for 5 minutes after you get the kiddos in bed. Then add in some passionate kissing, genital caressing and intimate conversation sandwiched in between. Also, we have an online video course called “Divine Desire” that would be fun for you both. You’d learn how to make love God’s way and increase your desire and passion too! Get those kids to bed early, and enjoy your intimacy! The success of your marriage depends on it!