Many sexual abuse survivors struggle to have positive and enjoyable sex lives. It can be very hard to feel comfortable with and enjoy sex when you’ve been sexually abused – even people who haven’t been sexually abused struggle to feel comfortable with their sexuality and sex because our society, the Church and even families pollute God’s beautiful gift of sexuality. Below are ways that sexual trauma affects the survivor’s sexuality.
10 Effects of Trauma on Your Sex Life
- Avoiding, fearing or lacking interest in sex or believing that sex is bad or dirty.
- Approaching sex as an obligation.
- Experiencing negative feelings such as anger, disgust, uncomfortable feelings, or guilt with any kind of touch from the spouse or fearing the touch will lead to sex.
- Difficulty becoming aroused or being triggered by certain sexual behaviors related to the abuse.
- Emotionally distant or not present during sex because the survivor is trying to control the anxiety and panic, or talking themselves into having sex or calming down.
- Experiencing intrusive or disturbing sexual thoughts and images.
- Engaging in compulsive or inappropriate sexual behaviors.
- Having difficulty establishing or maintaining an intimate relationship and putting too much emphasis on getting their sexual needs met through their spouse.
- For women, vaginal pain or orgasmic difficulties.
- For men, inhibited orgasm, ejaculatory or erection problems.
Definitions of Inhibited Sexual Desire and Sexual Aversion Disorder
Many sexual trauma survivors suffer from either Inhibited Sexual Desire Disorder or Sexual Aversion Disorder. These are sexual disorders that are described in the DSM IV, a diagnostic manual that mental health practitioners use to classify mental health issues. Sexual problems are characterized by a disturbance in the processes that characterize the sexual response cycle: Atmosphere/Desire, Arousal/Excitement, Apex/Orgasm, and Afterglow/ Resolution. Neither of these are issues that involve a lack of sexual stimulation in focus, intensity or duration.
More About Inhibited Sexual Desire Disorder
Inhibited Sexual Desire is a disorder of the appetitive, or pre-excitement phase of the sexual response cycle. Both the desire and mental images of sexual activity may be impaired. The urge to be physically close, to be touched, to be aroused, or to have a release is in some way inhibited so the person is not drawn to their spouse. Many times there is a barrier that keeps the desire from being expressed or experienced in the marriage. If the wife feels uncared for or not first place in her husband’s life, it can lead to a lack of interest. If a woman has difficulty becoming aroused or having an orgasmic response, over time the initial excitement of being together will lessen.
More About Sexual Aversion Disorder
Sexual Aversion Disorder is the aversion to and the actual avoidance of sexual contact. The disturbance causes marked distress or interpersonal difficulty. The individual reports anxiety, fear, or disgust when confronted by a sexual opportunity. Some persons experience generalized revulsion to all sexual stimuli, including kissing and touching. The intensity of the individual’s reaction when exposed may range from moderate anxiety and lack of pleasure to extreme psychological distress. The urge to be physically close, to be touched, to be aroused, or to have a release, is in some way inhibited so the person panics when sexual contact is expected. If fear is involved, it is not likely that the spouse will eagerly anticipate or desire sexual intimacy.
Many Survivors Are Vulnerable to Further Abuse
For many sexual abuse survivors, sex becomes neurologically and cognitively linked with the sexual trauma. As a result, some survivors will mistake unsatisfying and un-pleasurable sex, or even sexually abusive behavior for sex. This means that survivors can be vulnerable to being further abused. Additionally, there is the added spiritual attack by the enemy to put a victim mark on the child/person when they are sexually traumatized so that they are prey for other sexual perpetrators. As a survivor, this is not your fault. You may not know that you have the right to enjoy yourself sexually; that the Lord wants you to have a mutually satisfying sexual experience with your husband; what you want sexually; or you may not understand that those sexual/intimacy needs deserve respect; and that you can say “no” and have that honored.
Sexual Abuse is Not Sex
Abuse teaches the opposite – during sexual abuse, your needs don’t matter; you are forced to be used to satisfy the perpetrator. Your sexual desires don’t exist, or there is an emphasis on your pleasure to make the perpetrator feel good, and if they do exist they don’t count. And of course, you have no power to stop the abuse.
Some survivors believe that’s what sex is – un-enjoyable and abusive! They may also believe that’s all they are good for, that they can’t expect anything better, and that if sex isn’t enjoyable it’s their fault or the result of their own inadequacy – they are “damaged”. These reactions and beliefs are outcomes of abuse and need to be healed by the Lord – because they are not true and He is the truth.
Handing Back Shame and Responsibility to the Perpetrator is the First Step Toward Healing
One of the hardest things for abuse survivors to do is separate sexual abuse from sex. I know your consciousness may know this intellectually, but the sexual abuse victim and the subconscious can’t separate them. It’s worth repeating many times – a making love session with your spouse shouldn’t exude a bad odor from sexual abuse. Even if during the sexual trauma you liked the attention, became aroused, or had an orgasm; it’s still not sex and you are still not responsible for the abuse. Jesus has come to heal the brokenhearted and set the captives free.
Placing responsibility on the abuser is one of the most important steps in separating the sexual abuse from your sexuality and sex life. That may involve feeling anger at your abuser, holding him/her responsible (in your own mind), grieving your victimization and powerlessness, and reassuring the hurt child inside you that it wasn’t her/his fault.
Sexual Abuse Become the Model for Sex
Sexual abuse is often the child’s first introduction to sex. Children are too young to understand what sex is so it’s not surprising that many abused children mistake abuse for sex. After all, it does involve sexual contact, sexual body parts, and sexual stimulation. Sadly, sexual abuse becomes the child’s model for future sex.
It is crucial the Lord heal you and help you understand the reason why He created sex and consequently be able to separate the gift of sexuality from the sexual abuse you suffered from. He wants to create in you an entirely new association with sex – one that celebrates “oneness with your spouse”, safe emotional and spiritual intimacy and is fun and passionate. You may need to discover your own sexuality for the first time – what it means to you, what you enjoy, and what gives you pleasure. This happens as the Lord heals you through the sexual assessment, the Christian mind-body work, the couple’s intimacy group and the sensual intimacy experiences with your spouse, and this needs to be done all at your own pace. It helps to develop a sexual relationship with yourself including self-pleasuring and discovering how you like to talk, move, dance, or interact with others when you’re in touch with your sexual feelings.
It is crucial the Lord heal you and help you understand the reason why He created sex and consequently be able to separate the gift of sexuality from the sexual abuse you suffered from. He wants to create in you an entirely new association with sex – one that celebrates “oneness with your spouse”, safe emotional and spiritual intimacy and is fun and passionate. You may need to discover your own sexuality for the first time – what it means to you, what you enjoy, and what gives you pleasure. This happens as the Lord heals you through the sexual assessment, the Christian mind-body work, the couple’s intimacy group and the sensual intimacy experiences with your spouse, and this needs to be done all at your own pace. It helps to develop a sexual relationship with yourself including self-pleasuring and discovering how you like to talk, move, dance, or interact with others when you’re in touch with your sexual feelings.
When You Don’t Feel Safe with Sex
Sexual abuse robs survivors of their ability to feel safe in the world and with themselves. Internal safety is the extent to which you feel safe when the situation you are in is safe. Many survivors feel unsafe even when the person they are with or the situation they are in is safe. There is a difference between feeling safe and being safe. The first is a feeling and is affected by your past experiences with safety or lack of safety. The second is an actual fact about whether or not the people you are with or the situation you are in is safe.
It’s so important for survivors to develop a sense of safety (internal safety) as well as have ways to identify whether or not people and situations are safe (external safety). Both internal and external safeties are needed for enjoyable consensual sex. Without internal safety, sex can feel very scary and triggering. Without external safety, sex will not be safe, consensual, or pleasurable.
When Trust is an Issue
Because sexual abuse is such a major violation of trust, many survivors have difficulty trusting their own perceptions and trusting other people. Building trust in yourself – knowing and trusting your feelings, thoughts, beliefs, intuition, and perceptions – is crucial, and will help you to know who you can trust.
Without a minimum of trust, sex is scary, unsafe, and un-enjoyable. Different people require different amounts of trust in order to enjoy sex. Some survivors require a great deal of trust, and must intimately know and feel safe with their spouse emotionally, spiritually and physically before they can make love without being triggered. Others do not require as much trust to enjoy themselves sexually. Both are okay; it’s just important to know your own boundaries and to respect them.
For many survivors being intimate – emotionally or sexually – can be very scary. Many survivors dissociate from intimacy, yet they crave the closeness at the same time. Fear of intimacy is often rooted in fear of being vulnerable with another person and of being hurt by them.
Some Suggestions to Build a Comfort Level with Sex
- Take little steps whenever you can to increase your intimacy with your spouse. This could mean sharing something personal, talking about your feelings, touching them, asking for a hug, holding eye contact, inviting them to spend time with you, calling a friend, reaching out when you are upset, or staying present for as long as you can in their presence.
- During sex, take it slow, stop when you need to, and tell your spouse you need them to pray for you after you explain how you’re being triggered. It is essential that you never associate making love with pain, anxiety or any negative feeling. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t risk, but never push yourself through the pain. It is important to be aware of how you are feeling in your body. Take your time. Connect through eye contact. Talk about how you are feeling.
Sexual Healing is a Reality with God as Your Healer
The Lord desires to heal you and break the association between your sexuality and sexual abuse. He wants you to experience the gift of your sexuality and enjoy mutual pleasure with your spouse. He doesn’t want you to just tolerate it or have duty sex for your partner, He wants you to become “one” with your spouse spiritually, emotionally and physically and enjoy your sexuality. At times, it may feel like it’s taking a long time, but try not to get discouraged. Being patient and compassionate with yourself will help your sexual healing.
The Divine Desire-Married Edition protocol above was used in our counseling practice for 14 years with our couples where one or both spouses were sexually abused. It is progressive and begins with building a foundation of trust through discussion and preparation. It teaches you both about sex as a gift from God and it celebrates oneness. The Intimacy Experiences don’t get highly sexual until the Advanced portion of the Divine Desire. Which, if you have successfully completed the foundational then you will be ready for it by then. However, we did the Christian mind-body work in our sessions to deal with any triggers so they could move forward at home. There are a couple of options:
- You could try the Divine Desire at home and if you are unable to move forward for two weeks, then you should call us for an appointment so we can deal with the triggers.
- You can work with a trauma counselor in your area and do the Divine Desire at home while talking with the therapist about any triggers.
Feel free to contact us via email with any questions you have about how the Divine Desire may work for you.
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