The “Dowry” of Your Life Story You Hand Your Spouse on Your Wedding Day!
Everything that has happened to you (whether good or bad) from the time you were in your mother’s womb until now influences how you relate, how you trust and attach to your spouse. It’s like an invisible dowry you hand to your spouse on your wedding day.
For 14 Years We Witnessed Couples Telling Their Life Stories in Our Counseling Practice
Take, for instance, the young man we had as a client who had a twin sister in the womb who died. He had all the symptoms of survivor guilt. As a child, his parents told him they wanted a girl and they even named him a feminine name. So guess what? He had a same-sex attraction to men. Until God healed that he wasn’t set free to enjoy women.
Or consider the young woman who came to see us who witnessed her dad masturbating to pornography on the computer. He also groped her best friend. She couldn’t trust a man’s intentions toward her as good, so she closed her heart off to even being in a relationship with a man.
The list goes on and on of all the stories we have been privileged to witness and the glory and beauty of God’s healing and redemption in each one of their lives.
Not Only Have We Seen This in Their Marriages but We’ve Seen It Affect Our Own
I (Janean) learned that beauty was external. Not only did I get this message from my family of origin, but I also learned this from the world. I was a tall, slim, green-eyed blonde from California. I received a lot of attention in both good and very bad ways. My innocence was stolen through multiple sexual trauma events.
I didn’t feel safe walking down a street. As I grew older I became uncomfortable with my newly developing curves because they invited the leering eyes of men. And yet, at the same time I had the confidence and power to cause my boyfriend to gasp when I walked into the room.
As an adult, I gained weight over the years and felt safe from men’s sexual attention, yet I couldn’t get a man I was interested in to ask me out on a date because of those extra pounds. My overweight dad said that if I lost 50 pounds I could get married again. Nevertheless, I’ve had a very conflicting relationship with my body.
So you can imagine how that affected Bill and I’s lovemaking. When I would undress around him I’d be tormented that he didn’t notice or get aroused. Even after I lost 50 pounds when we were married! Thanks for the lie dad! And then at the same time, I was extremely shy, I didn’t want him to see my body when we made love. I would actually ask him to close his eyes when we made love. How’s that for “eyes open sex equals God sex?” Poor guy, not only do men get turned on visually, but Bill had his own story that he brought into our marriage bed.
The Theme of Bill’s Life Story
Bill’s mother was extremely critical and angry. He was sexually abused and he was exposed to porn at a young age. It quickly became an addiction to lust and porn over the years he was single. Masturbating to images or porn not only caused erectile dysfunction, but it caused him to have a very misogynistic view of women. His brain couldn’t switch over to getting aroused with a real woman, flaws and all. And he certainly didn’t understand what all the fuss was about when I wanted pleasure too. God certainly has his work cut out with us!
But then there were the glorious things we offered one another. Since we both have experienced God’s love in deep and profound ways we also offered each other glimpses of unconditional love and deep connection. We both brought into our marriage a child-like playfulness that blessed our marriage bed. We both brought in perseverance since we needed that in our childhoods to overcome childhood trauma. If it wasn’t for that and God’s redemptive healing our marriage wouldn’t have made it.
Allow God to Heal Your Life Story Before You Get Married
We love to see engaged couples bring their negative life experiences to God before they’re married so they can joyfully express their love to one another with an uncrowded marriage bed.
One Way God Can Heal Your Marriage Bed!
That’s why we created our Divine Desire-Engaged Edition online video course that couples can complete before their wedding day, and it even has guidance for lovemaking God’s way after they’re married. If you or someone you know has wedding bells in the future, this is probably the most important wedding planning you or they can do! It’s a beautiful gift for a couple’s engagement. And it’s never too late for God to redeem our stories after marriage too with the “Divine Desire-Married Edition” online video course here.
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